Limes and Blow: An Anonymous Extra from the Forthcoming "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" Dishes the Dirt on a Scandalous Production

The anonymous actor had given me some relatively complex directions for getting to our rendezvous location. That his identity remain secret, he said, was of the utmost importance and I was to ensure that I was neither followed nor spotted during my arrival and departure.

I pulled up to the downtown address I had been given and hoped out of my red convertible. The entrance to the thick walled and windowless building was unmarked. I pushed through the heavy exterior doors, went down a flight of stairs, pushed past a second pair of heavy metallic doors and then hung a right.

I headed straight down a long hallway and passed through four more sets of doors, each heavier than the ones before it. The first pair swung open, the second slid sideways into the walls as I passed, the third lifted up into the ceiling with surprising speed and the fourth, which were painted with vertical stripes and gave one the feeling of entering a prison slid sideways to reveal a single phone booth at what would otherwise have been a dead end.

I entered the phone booth, had a look around to make sure I hadn't been followed and then entered the three digits I had been given on the rotary phone. Before I could count to three the floor of the phone booth came loose and I descended into darkness.

A moment later the lights came on and I was greeted with a warm handshake from the anonymous actor. We sat down, exchanged pleasantries and got down to business.

Okay so, anonymous actor, word on the street has it that last summer you were in the forthcoming Michael Cera vehicle based upon the Scott Pilgrim series of graphic novels.

I was yes.

So, first of all, why have you chosen to do this interview anonymously?

Well it was sort of a top secret project-

Oh, that's juicy.

Yea and they didn't want it to get out. I guess the graphic novels have somewhat of a cult following and they didn't want any-

Any bloggers getting a scoop huh.

[Laughs] Yeah, they didn't want the bloggers getting at it. They wanted to keep it under wraps. They said they'd be checking our Facebook profiles and so on to see if we were posting about it.

Did they add you as a friend?

They didn't add me as a friend.

So how are they going to monitor you?

Well they have my name but... hmm, I don't know how they do it actually.

Makes ya think.

[Laughs] Yeah.

So what was your role in the movie?

I was working background.

Okay, what do you mean by that?

Like as in, an extra.

Oh, I thought you were a, uh...

A star?

Well yes, a principal or a lead.

No but I had what was probably one of the better background roles. There were about three or four hundred of us you see and I was placed right next to Michael Cera at the bar for the scene we were doing.

You were just in the one scene?

Just in the one. I was in a bar, at a party, drinking a drink – you know how it is.

Yeah, I know about that stuff... So does this mean that you're not as talented as Michael Cera?

I wouldn't say that I mean-

But you had a lesser role.

A lesser role? I guess, but it's really all about connections. He just knows the right people, you know?

Okay.

I think I could take him in an act off.

If it came to, huh?

Yeah, have you ever seen an act off?

No I haven't. I'd like to though. That doesn't sound fair, the casting I mean.

No, no it's not but life isn't fair.

And acting isn't fair.

No, acting isn't fair, nothing's fair.

You know, it seems to me that what they ought to do when they start a project is round up all of their performers, assess them-

They should get everybody.

Yeah, then they should have an act off- are act offs a group thing or is it always one on one?

It depends on what you're shooting.

So it can be like a break dancing thing where all these guys get together and dance around and then the best rises to the top, or maybe more like a royal rumble in wrestling.

Exactly.

But that's what you should do right?

That's what you should do.

Because that's going to result in the best project, I mean if everyone's roles are determined by their level of talent then wont that result in the best possible movie?

Yeah, it would, but life just doesn't work that way. I mean are you the best person for what you do at Kobo? Did they take everyone available for the job and just let them duke it out to find the best candidate or did you just end up where you are because you knew the right people or because you were in the right place at the right time.

Look we're not here to talk about me and my personal life okay?

[The actor drinks his coffee.]

Let's move on.

Let's move on...

So tell me about your role.

So the role was standing and drinking and flirting with a girl.

A dame?

A dame. And there was an elaborate fight scene that I had to react to.

Did you know this girl?

Well by the end of the week I knew her.

Okay and was she another "backgrounder" or was she a principle?

She was a background.

And this thing between you and her though, was it a big part of the movie?

From my eyes yes, I mean when I watch the movie that will be the central storyline.

If you were to take this scene and use it to make a short film then would you and her be the principles?

Yes, without a doubt.

Well that's something then. Perhaps when the movie's finished you could take the scene edit it accordingly, then upload it to YouTube.

Yeah, as the sequel... or the prequel.

In the description you could say it's short film starring yourself with Michael Cera as a background.

Yeah! I like that idea. That would show him. We'd see how he likes being a background.

So how do you think Michael Cera has made all these connections?

Hmm, that's s good question.

Well he's been acting for quite some time right?

Yeah, since he was a young one. Maybe it's his charming good looks.

Do you think he's better looking than you are?

I wouldn't say better looking.

As good looking then?

Yeah, maybe.

On a good day then?

On a good day, yeah. I guess it depends on the audience though too.

So I understand you actually went to school for acting.

That's correct.

And this Cera character, he hasn't been has he?

No, I don't believe he has.

Was that an error on your part then? Do you think you should have spent that time trying to make connections instead?

Maybe, I am starting to regret my schooling. I mean it hasn't begun to pay off my loans.

And you're more or less in what should be your prime as an actor.

Yeah, that's kind of depressing when I think about it.

So doing this interview then, do you consider this to be an act of rebellion against what to you is a misappropriation of resources in this film?

I think that the world needs to know that there's a lot of talent in the background. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I do.

There's a lot of talent in the background. I think the foreground really takes the spotlight away and I don't really think that's fair.

So you think films should be more about the background and less about the foreground?

There should certainly be more scenes that focus on the background.

Or maybe a film should be made where it's all about the extras or the background, where every performer has one line and spends weeks, or months even, practicing it instead of having a handful of performers who spread themselves out over hundreds of lines.

Yeah and maybe the Brad Pitt's and the George Clooney's of the world should spend some time in the background, see how they like it.

Right, so I understand you had a bit of a run-in with Mr. Cera on the project.

I did. For the extent of the project I was placed right next to him, shoulder to shoulder if you will and the days we're quite long, twelve of fourteen hours sometimes. Of course we'd get to chatting you know-

Yeah, you wanted to make some connections right?

Exactly and if you ever want to make a connection, Michael Cera is the guy... So you know, we talked about his band-

He has a band? What's it called?

I don't know but I think he plays the bass. He doesn't look like a bass player though.

Was he a jerk?

He was a really, really soft and gentle guy.

Hmm, that's not good for the blog...

And I think that's why the ladies like him.

But is it a facade?

I don't think so. I think he's just got a soft spine and gentle bones in his body.

I see. Did you touch him?

Yes, I did. We grazed a number of times.

And you got to hang out with him a bit?

Yeah, we did bones a few times. You know bones or props, sometimes creds?

Yeah.

And in between shots sometimes he'd need to take his allergy spray.

He uses allergy spray?

Yes, he does.

Several times throughout the day?

Yeah, when you're a soft, gentle boned soul-

It comes with the territory?

It does. Anyway I'd try to tell him that it was okay, that everyone has allergies.

So he was trying to hide his allergy spray?

He was. He would often turn his back to everyone when he did it so they wouldn't see.

That seems bizarre. I mean isn't that his whole persona, that he's the kind of guy who uses allergy spray? Hasn't he made a career on that?

He has but clearly there's something there, with the allergies, that he's ashamed of. I didn't prod him any further about his allergies, other than to tell him that it was okay to use the spray.

So there weren't any juicy incidents with Mr. Cera that you witnessed on set?

He dropped his drink once and looked a little worried. I told him that was okay too.

Hmm... Did you see anyone doing coke?

No, no one was doing coke.

That you saw. No one you saw was doing coke right?

That's right but I'm sure Edgar Wright and his crew... well you know, he's got long hair and stuff.

I see and you didn't see them not doing coke right?

That's correct, I didn't not see them doing coke.

Interesting. So do you have any spoilers or any behind-the-scenes dirt that you can share?

Well Kieran Culkin was a bit of a doink.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Go on.

Well you see most of the performers would chat amongst the extras and the crew but... he was a bit snobbish. People didn't a liking to him too much.

And did you see him doing any coke?

A little, just a little bit, not enough that it would really do anything but just a little bit.

A sampler?

Yes, a sampler.

And he didn't share it now did he?

He didn't share it with me. I mean, it was a small amount so I don't know how much he could have actually shared but still.

How intriguing.

Oh, here's something though. There's an elaborate fight scene, between these two chicks.

Dames?

Yeah dames but in reality it was actually two dudes.

Is that because when girls fight on film it doesn't look right but when they get two guys, who are dressed up as girls, to fight it looks real?

Correct.

Maybe that's because people don't see many dame fights in real life so they think they're better at fighting than they really are so if they had real girls fight in a movie it would almost be disappointing.

Yeah also it's sort of a superhero movie so I think they were going for something surreal. These guys had actually trained with Jackie Chan's crew.

Really? Was Jackie Chan there?

No he wasn't but one of his apprentices was.

So, were these gentlemen petite?

Um... they were Asian.

Okay, so yes?

[Laughs] Yeah, a little bit I mean Asians, on average are sort of petite-

And smooth skinned.

And smooth skinned but they still looked like guys in skirts and makeup.

But you can't tell in the film?

Well I don't know. I hope not. We'll have to wait and see.

Okay but my readers should be aware then that if and when they do see the film that they should be wary of being too attracted to these female characters when the scene comes up.

Well unless that's what they're into.

Right but the bottom line is that they should know what they're getting into. They should know that what appears as two females engaging in combat is actually two petite Asian martial arts artists.

Exactly, they should definitely look out for that.

I think that should be put up on IMDB some day.

It should.

So are you getting much work these days?

I did a commercial for the Canadian Blood Donors society. I've also done a photoshoot, a bit of modeling a bit of behind-the-scenes work.

So you're doing alright.

I'm doing okay.

But not as well as Michael Cera.

No, not quite as well. I mean he was in Year One with Jack Black – I mean I haven't worked with Jack Black before.

So your trajectory's have been a bit different.

Different trajectories, absolutely.

And how do think Michael Cera is spending his Christmas?

Hmm, he's probably snuggling up with his mother and father, maybe using some nice moisturizer.

Perhaps on a luxurious couch? Somewhere with radiant floor heating?

Yes, there's definitely radiant floor heating, maybe they have some Michael Buble playing.

Is that what he likes? Does his band cover that sort of stuff?

I think so. If your skin is that soft you must listen to Michael Buble.

And how about Kieran Culkin?

I imagine he's having a tough Christmas. I mean with his brother and the passing of Michael Jackson... Christmas is a time for family and I think it will be a rough patch for them.

And how about you? Will you be living it up this Christmas like Cera and Culkin?

I don't think so. I think I'm going to be working hard this Christmas, trying to make connections, memorizing some monologues.

That's tough huh, I mean when you've spent a few years in school working on developing your craft instead of making connections-

Yeah.

And a guy like Cera who's from the Brampton, he must know what it's like. You think he'd come and help out, find people out there who have the goods but not the connections and help bring them up to his level.

You'd think so.

But that didn't happen did it?

No.

Now let me ask you this: do you think that, wherever he is right now, he's enjoying a nice refreshing lime?

Uh...

Probably not?

Probably not.

And what would you say if I told you that you were about to receive a lime right now?

I'd... I'd welcome it.

Well then, this is for you.

My goodness... My goodness!

You see I thought that might make you feel special because now you have something that they don't.

You know it does make me feel a bit better about the whole thing.

So what do you think you'll do with it?

Hm, I think I might wait for it to ripen a bit more then maybe I'll squeeze it out over a nice pasta dish, or some rice.

Or you could eat it like an orange.

Yeah, I mean I've never tried that but I guess I-

I'll bet Michael Cera has never done that.

Michael Cera has definitely never done that.

He's too soft.

Much too soft.

So this is an experience that he'll never have. That's something you know, something to build on.

It is and I'll think about that when I eat it.

Okay, last question: what's the secret?

[Pauses and sips his coffee thoughtfully.]

Honesty.

I like that. Thanks a lot for your time and good luck with your future endeavours and acting career.

[Makes a fist and offers it to me.]

Bones.

Bones.

How to Perform a Party Call

At this time of year, with Christmas just behind us and New Years just ahead, parties are plentiful. No doubt the people you know who are cooler than you will be attending cooler parties than the ones you will be attending and, in all likelihood, this will fill you with envy and bitterness.

How can one cope? The answer is simple: perform a party call.

Performing a party call can be done by just about anyone if you follow my instructions and I'll get to them but I'd like to provide a bit of history on the origin or the party call first.

When I was in my last year of high school most of my friends had either graduated (having elected not to do OAC) or moved somewhere else. On top of that it was a very slow year: I only took three courses each semester, the teachers at school went on strike for all of November and I lived in Beeton (the former honey capital of Canada, population 2000). On top of all this the roads were bad all winter and non-school related outings were few and far between.

My friend Andrew Wilson had moved to Toronto for his last year and, from what I could tell, was living it up in the big city. One night I was hanging out at my house with my friend Andrew Stankus. Andrew Stankus was one of the few people remaining who I hung out with much outside of school and was pretty much in the same boat as me. We were probably playing ping pong of Nintendo 64 when we it occurred to us that we could turn the tables on our friend by serving him with a party call.

Here's what we used/what you would need to perform a party call of your own:

· One full glass of water

· One empty glass of water

· A television with either a video game, music videos or something with dialogue on

· An instrument (preferably bongos or an acoustic guitar)

· A portable CD player playing Adam Sandler's latest album (nowadays I guess you could play some Andy Sandberg on your iPod)

· A stereo system playing some dance music

The first of several party calls began with Andrew Stankus and I calling up Andrew Wilson. It was probably a day of the week that would not traditionally be associated with the throwing of parties (such as Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday) because the whole idea was to give Andrew Wilson the impression that we were so cool that we were at a party on a night when everyone else was sitting at home and twiddling their thumbs.

When Andrew Wilson picked up, Andrew Stankus began alternating the volume on the television and stereo system, pouring the water from one glass to another while clinking them together, laughing loudly every few moments and playing the guitar.

At this point I feigned confusion over who I was speaking to ("Hello? Who is this? Sorry – hold on one second. Andrew! Oh man, how's it going?"), tried to communicate that I was not at a party ("What's going on? Oh nothing, I'm just- hold on, hold on – guys keep it down for a sec I'm on the phone – yeah y'know I'm just hanging out, thinking of watching a movie"), inquired as to what he was up to ("Yeah so you must be pretty busy these days I don't want to keep you from – oh, just doing some homework? Well I'm sure things will pick up for you..."), admitted in a roundabout way that this wasn't such a great time to talk ("Actually yeah –c'mon guys keep it down – this actually isn't such a great time for me but we'll talk soon – oh my god! Is that Rick the Temp?") and then handed the phone off to Andrew Stankus who went through the same routine.

During the party call whoever had the phone would pace about the room and hold the phone up to different things so that Andrew Wilson would hear a revolving door of noises of varying volumes – a bit of Adam Sandler here, some Electric Circus or Diddy Kong Racing there, some acoustic guitar etc. Now this wasn't necessarily a revenge or spite fuelled party call (Andrew Wilson would have been keenly aware that Beeton was not the party haven that our call implied) but it did turn the tables and send a strong message that you don't need to live in a major city to live it up.

In any event if you feel the need to make party calls of your own I wish you luck and suggest you use the following guidelines:

1. Make sure you place the call at a time or on a day when the recipient of the call would not expect you to be at a party.

2. Have at least two or three people with whom to pass the phone between.

3. Pretend that your victim called you and not the other way around (this might take some practice).

4. Insist that you are not at a party but ask the victim to repeat themselves often and be sure to shush your "guests" at least several times.

5. Mention that you don't want to keep them as they must be at or going to an event of their own. Act surprised and disappointed when you discover that this is not the case. If you'd like you can express pity that their social life is not as happening as it could be.

6. Drop the phone at least once.

7. Pretend at least once that there has been a disaster (ex. broken window, someone getting lit on fire) but make it seem like you are doing your best not to let this interfere with your conversation.

8. To finish in style admit that it's actually not the best time to talk and then fake either a celebrity sighting or something amazing (ex. "oh my god, did that guy just swallow a cork screw?").

So there you have it, now you can perform party calls of your very own. Please use the party call responsibly and be safe this holiday season.